Lion Cub Courage

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love 
and of a sound mind." 

~ 2 Timothy 1:7

Timid = lacking in self-assurance, courage, or bravery; easily alarmed; timorous; shy

I don't know how many times this has been the exact definition of me. If you asked me to describe myself in one word, "shy" is one of the first that comes to my mind. I've never been one to start conversations with people very often, or go out of my comfort zone to say hello to new people. I'm always just self-conscious and shy enough to keep me from building relationships with people.

I can remember one time a couple years ago where I had the chance to strengthen a friendship with someone that I've wanted to be better friends with for awhile. It was over Christmas break and a friend of mine had to work and couldn't make it to our bible study group. I had talked to her earlier that week and told her I'd try and get two or three people rounded up and come visit after Impact to cheer her up a little. Well, Impact finishes and everyone decides to go to Steak-N-Shake to hang out for a bit. I probably spent a good ten minutes fighting with myself trying to decide between my two options:

Do I go visit by myself (do something uncomfortable)?

or

Do I go with everyone else (do something comfortable)?

I'm sad to say my fear of doing something that makes me uncomfortable won out that evening. I did what made me feel comfortable and went with my other friends.

It feels like every time I get close to being courageous, I smack headfirst into some invisible wall that makes me hesitate just long enough for my fears or self-doubt to win.

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Now before I get off track too far, I want to go back to the title of my post today. If I try to describe my sense of courage to you guys, a Lion Cub is the closest visual representation I could give you.

If you've ever seen those Vines of Lion Cubs, you'll notice that they don't have that roar we associate with them. They have more of a little "squeak" (or something that sounds close to a hiccup depending on the Vine).

Every time I've tried to be brave and haven't, I feel like that's what my courage has done. This Lion Cub in me has turned towards that fear and squeaked as loud as it possibly can. It just hasn't been able to be louder than the fear yet.

If I've learned anything in the last couple weeks from 1 John 4:17-19, 2 Timothy 1:7, and studying the life of Elijah at Impact, it's this: Fear, Shyness and Timidity don't have a place in the heart of a Follower of Christ. Courage, Bravery and Love do.

I'm surrounded by friends who show that kind of love and bravery. If they can take on 10 different projects to minister to others, or leave home and the country to love others for three months, or even move somewhere completely new to minister at a new church, then what business have I got being afraid to say hi to someone new or doing something that makes me a little uncomfortable.


God doesn't give us a spirit of fearfulness.

Perfect love casts out fear.

It's time for this Lion Cub to face those fears (hopefully grow a cool looking mane) and roar.


Love all you guys, and I hope this helps any of you that have struggled with being afraid or shy.
Larz

Speaking of That Perfect Provision in College...

If there's one thing I like about staying up late on my nights off, it's that I have time to do just about whatever I want while I wait to get tired enough to fall asleep.

The only thing I don't like however, is that sometimes I can have "miniature panic attacks" about things that are going on in my life. In this particular instance, it was over my prayers asking God to make my heart bolder and to make me courageous. I had the same three or four thoughts just bombarding me constantly:


"I can't do this."

"I can't be brave."

"Brave isn't who I am."

"I can't be courageous."


Thankfully, the Holy Spirit shows up when you need it most. As I was sitting on my bed staring at the floor and tearing up in frustration with myself, everything in my mind just disappeared. The only thing I could think of were verses one and two of Psalm 143:


"Hear my prayer, O Lord,
Give ear to my supplications!
In Your faithfulness answer me,
And into Your righteousness." ~ (1-2)

"Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;
My heart within me is distressed." ~ (4)

"I spread out my hands to You;
My soul longs for You like a thirsty land.
Answer me speedily, O Lord;
My spirit fades!
Do not hide Your face from me,
Lest I be like those who go down into the pit.
Cause me me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning,
For in You I do trust;
Cause me to know the way in which I should walk,
For I lift my soul up to You." ~ (6-8)

"Revive me, O Lord, for Your name's sake!
For Your righteousness' sake bring my soul out of trouble.
In Your mercy cut off my enemies,
And destroy all those who afflict my soul;
For I am your servant." ~ (11-12)


There are two things that blew my mind about this after I thought about it again:

1. I almost never think of Scripture when something is going wrong, especially during a late-night "miniature panic attack." So I can't explain how I remembered this Psalm right then and there.

2. I remembered a Psalm that I can't recall where or when I heard it, at exactly the right time I needed it, and it was about exactly what I was going through.


And now after reading the rest of Psalm 143, I can see that God will answer exactly like it asks. If you cry out for help, He'll answer you.

In the middle of fighting my own mind, God provided exactly what I needed in exactly the way I needed Him to.

Perfect. Provision.

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The only prayer requests I've really got for you guys this time echoes my first post. If you'd be so kind, please pray for God to continue to embolden my heart and to keep working on transforming me into the follower of Christ I'm called to be.

My next blog post is going to be extremely personal to me, so if you'd all pray that I stay honest and open with it, that would be a huge blessing.

I know what my heart is calling out and asking Him for, and I know He'll answer it if I keep chasing Him.

Love all you guys!
Larz

Strawberry-Banana Smoothies

I'm know it hasn't been long since my last post, but I really wanted to share this with you guys.
For the last week I've had this near nearly insatiable craving for fruit smoothies. I wind up getting one for my lunch at work almost every day and they've almost completely replaced soda on my list of things I drink (I'm currently sipping a Coke while I'm writing this one, so that's where the "almost" comes from). Something about them just keeps me coming back for another one, and another, and another.

In the last week, I've also noticed that I've gained a second insatiable craving that I keep coming back for more of: Worship.

I'm not much of a singing prodigy like some of my friends, so I usually do almost all singing I do in the car when I'm driving somewhere (namely on the way to and from work). And in just the last week alone since I burned a CD with some Hillsong, Chris Tomlin, Phil Wickham and Matt Redman to listen to in the car, I've noticed some strange stuff coming from me.

I almost don't want to reach the destination I'm traveling to because I'm too lost in worshipping Jesus.
I've actually been a few minutes late getting to work a couple times because I slow down to finish the song that's playing or squeeze in another one. I've found myself taking the "Country Block" to go the back way home when I work evenings so I can drive slow with the windows down and the music up.

But what's probably the weirdest part of all is that I find myself not caring if people hear me singing while I drive by. I'm self-conscious about how people see me on a normal day, even if I'm in the car by myself. But all of a sudden, I don't care if I get weird looks now. I don't care if it makes people laugh at that guy in the car who can't sing very well. It all just turns into background noise while I'm worshipping Jesus.

I've caught myself wanting to scream one song on more than a few occasions because I get so carried away with singing. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-Un4makqm8)

Hopefully this craving for worshipping will change some of itself into a craving for reading God's Word in Scripture soon. I really want to get there like I should be.

And thankfully, worshipping Jesus doesn't cost me $3.63 each time I go through the drive-thru at McDonalds or Dairy Queen. Singing praises to Him is a free gift. And it's one I can both give and be a part of every time I slide in the driver's seat of the car.

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I kind of liked the idea at the end of the last post where I put prayer requests, so I think I'm going to keep that going from now on. So if you guys wouldn't mind, I have a couple friends I'd like to ask for prayers for.

My friends Coty and Brittney are both leaving/have left for missionary trips of some sort that are out of country for part or all of the summer. Coty is leaving for Costa Rica on the 31st and will be gone for... a month, I think? (I can't remember if he said a week or a month off the top of my head.
I'll try to update my post for that once I ask him again). Brittney left for Haiti over the weekend and will be gone for three months working with people around the town of Jacmel. Please pray for them to be safe and to stay healthy while they're gone, but above that please pray that they show God's love to the people they come in contact with.

Let their words be what God wants these people to hear.

Let the love they show be God's love spilling out through them.


Love you all!
Larz

Back To The River

Back To The River

   

  "To the river, I am going

      bringing sins I cannot bear.

      Come and cleanse me,

      come forgive me

      Lord I need, to meet You there." 

     

"To The River" has always been somewhat of a special song for me. I can still remember singing this verse of it before I was baptized in February of 2010. Both before and after my baptism, it's been one of my favorites. It's been on every Impact music playlist I've ever made and every camp music CD I've ever burned (yeah, I still burn CDs to listen to. I know, I'm an ancient fossil or something).

Something I never realized though, is how these lyrics are supposed to literally play out in your daily walk with Christ. And it's been weighing really heavily on my heart as of late. It's pulled me to a point where I finally feel bold enough to share this with my brothers and sisters in Christ.

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Two events have finally gotten me to this point I'm at now (both where I'm taking a really hard look at myself and my relationship with Christ, and where I'm actually starting a blog where I can hopefully start to open up about things). The first one was a conversation with Andrew (not my brother) a summer or two after I was baptized. Long story short, I felt horrible for some things I had said and done over the time frame between my baptism and then, and I felt like I needed to be baptized again to be forgiven for them. I wish I had mental Post-It Notes or something, because his answer was one I wish I could remember exactly how it was said. He answered me (with something along the lines of) "Once you've been baptized with Jesus, you can ask for forgiveness whenever and wherever you're at."

The second one has been a little more personal for me, and it's been something I've been slowly mulling over and over in my mind for the last couple months (it's been a very, VERY bitter pill for me to swallow, but it's the pill that's right). Call it a dream/vision/prophecy or whatever you want, but I woke up really early one morning from visiting Andrew (not my brother) in his office. I'd asked some kind of question about something, and all of a sudden he whips around from typing on his computer, yells "You're a Feel-Good Christian who's only here for a good time. You need to pray hard with Jesus!", and then turns back around and goes back to typing like nothing had happened. 

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Now I mentioned that the second event in this post was a bitter pill to swallow, and I think it's been that way because it's true, and I've only just come to both see it and admit it to myself here lately.
For almost the entire time I've been a Christian (and a couple years before then as well), I've only been a "feel-good" Christian.  I've only gone to bible studies, weeks of camp and youth groups because they're fun and I got to see the friends I've made at camp or church. I've shied away from asking and answering tough questions about myself because it's been too uncomfortable for me to look at the things I've been doing wrong. And I've worried more about the judgement I may get from my brothers and sisters in Christ for admitting this to them than I have about the judgement I will get from God if I don't admit this to him and ask for His forgiveness.

And once I finally admitted all this to myself and prayed about it, I finally understood both Andrew's answer to my question several summers ago and the lyrics from "To The River."

Going to the river is supposed to be a daily trip that everyone needs to make once they start living their lives for Christ. It's a time to meet with Jesus and leave all your burdens with Him. It's a time where you can always ask for forgiveness for anything I've done. It's where (for me personally) I can ask for the help and guidance I need to start making changes in my life.

While I've sat here working out the words to say what I feel and what I've been going through, I've felt a mix of shame and relief. Shame for living like a fake, but relief for finally accepting and acknowledging that I've made a mistake and asking to be forgiven for it. And then I came across a verse in scripture that I feel I really needed to hear.

"Who is a God like You,

Pardoning iniquity

And passing over the transgression

of the remnant of His heritage?

He does not retain His anger forever,

Because He delights in mercy." ~ Micah 7:18

I'm blessed and grateful to be loved by a God who doesn't stay angry because I've ignored Him for the better part of six years. He loves me enough to forgive my transgression and help me move forward in my relationship with Him. And He'll do the same with anyone else willing to meet Him at the river.

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Writing this post has been a real struggle for me, I'm not going to lie. Being open with people and making myself vulnerable isn't something I know how to do very well, and I don't usually find it enjoyable either. But having a real relationship with Christ or anyone else in life takes vulnerability. 

It takes being open with people and letting them see the real you. It takes community. It takes others like you, broken or unbroken, loving and praying for each other.

So if you've stuck with me all the way through this, I want to ask each one of you to pray for two things the next time you have some alone time with Jesus:

1. Pray for yourself (or anyone you know of) that's struggling with something in their life. Pray for it to be taken to the river and left with Jesus. Ask Jesus to start working in your/that person's life in whatever way He sees fit to. 

2. Pray for me to continue to be bold with these blog posts. Ask God to keep working on my heart so that I can be more open and personal with people, both here in my blog and in person with friends or family. Pray that I have the courage to keep tearing my walls down.

I love all of you more than I can come up with the words for (that'll change in the future hopefully).

Thank you taking the time to read my blog, and I hope you'll continue on this journey with me.

Larz