Back To The River

Back To The River

   

  "To the river, I am going

      bringing sins I cannot bear.

      Come and cleanse me,

      come forgive me

      Lord I need, to meet You there." 

     

"To The River" has always been somewhat of a special song for me. I can still remember singing this verse of it before I was baptized in February of 2010. Both before and after my baptism, it's been one of my favorites. It's been on every Impact music playlist I've ever made and every camp music CD I've ever burned (yeah, I still burn CDs to listen to. I know, I'm an ancient fossil or something).

Something I never realized though, is how these lyrics are supposed to literally play out in your daily walk with Christ. And it's been weighing really heavily on my heart as of late. It's pulled me to a point where I finally feel bold enough to share this with my brothers and sisters in Christ.

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Two events have finally gotten me to this point I'm at now (both where I'm taking a really hard look at myself and my relationship with Christ, and where I'm actually starting a blog where I can hopefully start to open up about things). The first one was a conversation with Andrew (not my brother) a summer or two after I was baptized. Long story short, I felt horrible for some things I had said and done over the time frame between my baptism and then, and I felt like I needed to be baptized again to be forgiven for them. I wish I had mental Post-It Notes or something, because his answer was one I wish I could remember exactly how it was said. He answered me (with something along the lines of) "Once you've been baptized with Jesus, you can ask for forgiveness whenever and wherever you're at."

The second one has been a little more personal for me, and it's been something I've been slowly mulling over and over in my mind for the last couple months (it's been a very, VERY bitter pill for me to swallow, but it's the pill that's right). Call it a dream/vision/prophecy or whatever you want, but I woke up really early one morning from visiting Andrew (not my brother) in his office. I'd asked some kind of question about something, and all of a sudden he whips around from typing on his computer, yells "You're a Feel-Good Christian who's only here for a good time. You need to pray hard with Jesus!", and then turns back around and goes back to typing like nothing had happened. 

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Now I mentioned that the second event in this post was a bitter pill to swallow, and I think it's been that way because it's true, and I've only just come to both see it and admit it to myself here lately.
For almost the entire time I've been a Christian (and a couple years before then as well), I've only been a "feel-good" Christian.  I've only gone to bible studies, weeks of camp and youth groups because they're fun and I got to see the friends I've made at camp or church. I've shied away from asking and answering tough questions about myself because it's been too uncomfortable for me to look at the things I've been doing wrong. And I've worried more about the judgement I may get from my brothers and sisters in Christ for admitting this to them than I have about the judgement I will get from God if I don't admit this to him and ask for His forgiveness.

And once I finally admitted all this to myself and prayed about it, I finally understood both Andrew's answer to my question several summers ago and the lyrics from "To The River."

Going to the river is supposed to be a daily trip that everyone needs to make once they start living their lives for Christ. It's a time to meet with Jesus and leave all your burdens with Him. It's a time where you can always ask for forgiveness for anything I've done. It's where (for me personally) I can ask for the help and guidance I need to start making changes in my life.

While I've sat here working out the words to say what I feel and what I've been going through, I've felt a mix of shame and relief. Shame for living like a fake, but relief for finally accepting and acknowledging that I've made a mistake and asking to be forgiven for it. And then I came across a verse in scripture that I feel I really needed to hear.

"Who is a God like You,

Pardoning iniquity

And passing over the transgression

of the remnant of His heritage?

He does not retain His anger forever,

Because He delights in mercy." ~ Micah 7:18

I'm blessed and grateful to be loved by a God who doesn't stay angry because I've ignored Him for the better part of six years. He loves me enough to forgive my transgression and help me move forward in my relationship with Him. And He'll do the same with anyone else willing to meet Him at the river.

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Writing this post has been a real struggle for me, I'm not going to lie. Being open with people and making myself vulnerable isn't something I know how to do very well, and I don't usually find it enjoyable either. But having a real relationship with Christ or anyone else in life takes vulnerability. 

It takes being open with people and letting them see the real you. It takes community. It takes others like you, broken or unbroken, loving and praying for each other.

So if you've stuck with me all the way through this, I want to ask each one of you to pray for two things the next time you have some alone time with Jesus:

1. Pray for yourself (or anyone you know of) that's struggling with something in their life. Pray for it to be taken to the river and left with Jesus. Ask Jesus to start working in your/that person's life in whatever way He sees fit to. 

2. Pray for me to continue to be bold with these blog posts. Ask God to keep working on my heart so that I can be more open and personal with people, both here in my blog and in person with friends or family. Pray that I have the courage to keep tearing my walls down.

I love all of you more than I can come up with the words for (that'll change in the future hopefully).

Thank you taking the time to read my blog, and I hope you'll continue on this journey with me.

Larz