If there's one thing I like about staying up late on my nights off, it's that I have time to do just about whatever I want while I wait to get tired enough to fall asleep.
The only thing I don't like however, is that sometimes I can have "miniature panic attacks" about things that are going on in my life. In this particular instance, it was over my prayers asking God to make my heart bolder and to make me courageous. I had the same three or four thoughts just bombarding me constantly:
"I can't do this."
"I can't be brave."
"Brave isn't who I am."
"I can't be courageous."
Thankfully, the Holy Spirit shows up when you need it most. As I was sitting on my bed staring at the floor and tearing up in frustration with myself, everything in my mind just disappeared. The only thing I could think of were verses one and two of Psalm 143:
"Hear my prayer, O Lord,
Give ear to my supplications!
In Your faithfulness answer me,
And into Your righteousness." ~ (1-2)
"Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;
My heart within me is distressed." ~ (4)
"I spread out my hands to You;
My soul longs for You like a thirsty land.
Answer me speedily, O Lord;
My spirit fades!
Do not hide Your face from me,
Lest I be like those who go down into the pit.
Cause me me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning,
For in You I do trust;
Cause me to know the way in which I should walk,
For I lift my soul up to You." ~ (6-8)
"Revive me, O Lord, for Your name's sake!
For Your righteousness' sake bring my soul out of trouble.
In Your mercy cut off my enemies,
And destroy all those who afflict my soul;
For I am your servant." ~ (11-12)
There are two things that blew my mind about this after I thought about it again:
1. I almost never think of Scripture when something is going wrong, especially during a late-night "miniature panic attack." So I can't explain how I remembered this Psalm right then and there.
2. I remembered a Psalm that I can't recall where or when I heard it, at exactly the right time I needed it, and it was about exactly what I was going through.
And now after reading the rest of Psalm 143, I can see that God will answer exactly like it asks. If you cry out for help, He'll answer you.
In the middle of fighting my own mind, God provided exactly what I needed in exactly the way I needed Him to.
Perfect. Provision.
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The only prayer requests I've really got for you guys this time echoes my first post. If you'd be so kind, please pray for God to continue to embolden my heart and to keep working on transforming me into the follower of Christ I'm called to be.
My next blog post is going to be extremely personal to me, so if you'd all pray that I stay honest and open with it, that would be a huge blessing.
I know what my heart is calling out and asking Him for, and I know He'll answer it if I keep chasing Him.
Love all you guys!
Larz
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