Fear is the Path to the Dark Side

This blog has taken some time to get around to actually writing. Like I've said before, vulnerability and confrontation are not a couple of my stronger aspects, and the idea of talking about my fears is daunting to me.

But, I'm going to try and get through it as honestly (and quickly) as I can. Some may be more in-depth and some may not, and that just depends on my ability to elaborate more on it.

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- I'm afraid of never being able to find a partner. I'm always (and I mean always) turned down whenever I try to pursue someone I'm interested in, and that leads to some nice feelings about undesirableness.

- I'm afraid of never growing outside my role of being the peripheral friend to everyone I'm friends with. I'm afraid that I'm just tolerated when I am around and then forgotten about for the most part when I'm not.

- I'm afraid of never figuring out how to follow Jesus like I should.

- I'm afraid of never figuring out what I'm meant to do with my life. Being a cashier can't be all that I'm cut out to do for a living (even if it's full-time and the pay is decent).

- I'm afraid of never being able to defeat parts of myself that need (emphasis on NEED) to be dealt with and removed.

- I'm afraid of changing jobs and getting it wrong with a switch.

- I'm afraid of this time in my life. I don't have a clue what I'm doing while everyone else I know is getting their lives put together and moving on to the next stages of it.

- I'm afraid of never remembering what it's like to be genuinely happy about something.

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That's about all I've got for tonight. Thanks for any of you that read my thoughts, guys.

Grace, Love and Peace,
Larz

Anger Leads to Hate; Hate Leads to Suffering

Well, what a fantastic topic for the first post of 2018, right? Ordinarily I would have some kind of witty introduction or something, but I can't come up with anything this evening (I've literally sat staring at an empty blog page for 15 minutes trying to come up with something before typing this part out). I think the best way for me to write this tonight is that I'm going to have to let everything out as it comes to me.

I'm a huge Star Wars nerd, and after a good while of searching for some sort of quote about anger to go with my post, I think this one from Yoda sums up half of I'm feeling in my life right now the best. In the movies, Yoda explained to Anakin Skywalker that "Fear is the path to the Dark Side," and I've come to realize what that quote really means. When you fear something, it will lead you to get angry at that thing. From there, your anger will lead you to hate it. And when that hate finally boils over, you'll say or do something that you'll regret, which leads to suffering.

I have been angry about a lot of things for over a year now, and afraid of a lot of things too (that's a subject for another blog post though). And I don't mean just angry, I mean LIVID. I get to the point that some nights, I don't and won't pray before I go to sleep for the night because I don't want to talk to God.

I honestly feel like the overlying issue is that after all these things happened, I believe that God is not on my side, unless I'm on other people's side. I've watched several of my prayers for other people be answered in 2017 and the tail end of 2016; some the very next day after I asked God about it. But it seems like the second I bring up something about myself or my own life, God turns away and won't listen. The most recent prayer has been for job direction since the store I work at is being shut down at the end of the month, and that again feels like it's being ignored, leaving me uncertain about what job to take and where to go. The list of things that go unanswered just stretch back from there:

- Who I am
- What my purpose in life is
- What career I should pursue
- What my Strengths and Weaknesses are
- Understanding Scripture when I try to read it on my own
- Being unable to get into things that would give me more common ground with other people
- Being unable to make memories with people I want to make them with
- Being unable to move any closer to finding a partner

Praying about my job and career specifically bother me the most, because I get specific with it. I know God has spoken at least once before with a vision (technically a dream because I was asleep, but I still believe that it was), and I know that I don't know what to do or where to go because I don't know what I'm good at (or really bad at for that matter). Several of those prayers I've gotten to the point of saying "Give me a name of a place. Show me what job You want me to do. Show me where I can be of best use to You, and as soon as I get up I will go there." I don't know how to get any more specific or direct than that with a prayer for a job, but it's apparently not right or something.

Second on that list is when I ask about my strengths or talents. I will not claim that I know myself very well, nor do I know how to find out that information outside of asking God. So it's just a little disheartening when I go to the One that made me and ask to know what I'm good at so I can make use of it, and get more unanswered questions. The only thing I know for sure is that I have a servant's heart, which I assume is why I like helping people voluntarily (I've learned that through high school, two years of youth group, helping my friends Andrew and Jonathon with things for their former jobs, and helping people at work). Working a customer service job for the last three years has at least been good at solidifying that opinion for me. But having a servant's heart and being a helper can be applied to LITERALLY almost anything, so it doesn't help to narrow the field down any.

It honestly feels like most of the time that God is just letting me flounder around on my own with no clue what to do. It almost feels like I'm in high school again: not discouraged from doing or trying anything, but not encouraged to do or try anything either. No guidance. No direction. No. Nothing. And it's the most frustrating thing ever, because it seems like everyone else at least has some idea (or even just a sliver of an idea) of where to go with their lives, while I have no idea what to do and the One that does know won't give me any guidance.

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I think I'm about written out for the night, so I'm going to go ahead and end things here. It's getting difficult for me to pull my thoughts together, and I'm not nearly as angry or worked up as I was when I started writing. I've noticed over the last few posts that the only time I can ever openly put my thoughts and feelings into words is when I'm angry or worked up, so I hope that I've gotten out what needed to be out in the open while I was.

I think there'll be another post not too long after this one dealing with the first line of Yoda's quote. "Fear leads to Anger" definitely rings true for me, and since we're starting a theme about fear at church on Sundays, this is probably a good time to hit it as well. Please pray that I will be open and honest with that post as I've tried to be with this one, and that God will make some sense out of what I have been feeling over the last year and haven't been expressing.


Grace, Love and Peace,
Larz

Connection Required

It's been a while since I've been on here, hasn't it guys.

     I've actually sat down and tried to write a post several different times in the last four or five months, but haven't been able to make anything make sense. I was supposed to have a talk with a good friend of mine about some things that have been bothering me about a month ago, but for a few different reasons that plan fell through. And none of the problems have gotten any better with time. 

     I've come to realize over time that some of my problems keep growing because of a connection problem (or lack of connection). I don't have a support system like a lot of other people have both because I don't have many friends and because I can't stand being vulnerable about things. Opening up about anything becomes this tug-of-war between "I need to talk to someone about this" and "Why bother? No one listens/will understand/cares about it/you hate being open about things. "I know I need to open up to some people about my life, but I can't bring myself to do it. On top of that, I'm not an initiator with conversations so it's even more difficult than it needs to be to talk about things that are bothering me.

     So since I can't ever bring myself to start these conversations that need to happen, I'm asking the few friends and others I want to trust with the problems I'm facing in my life (if they're reading this) to meet me halfway and help me with this. This post is my attempt at coming to you saying "I'm broken. I'm hurting. I need to talk about this and I need your help. I'm tired of being angry or hurt all the time and I want change."

     The best way I could write out what I'm feeling is in the form of a letter, so I'm calling this my "Letter to God." Hopefully it makes sense of most of the things I've been feeling for several months now. 

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     Dear God,

     Saying "it's been a rough few months" would be the greatest understatement I could make.

     My faith and my relationship with You feels like its broken through the proverbial rock bottom of the hole. I feel like (You) the same God that I've LITERALLY WATCHED answer my prayers when I've prayed about things for other people have abandoned me and refuse to answer or offer any insight on prayers that I pray concerning myself. It feels like You're not on my side and You've abandoned me. And that hurts a lot. 

     It hurts and makes me so angry that You can't (or won't) answer my questions about a partner, what my career should be, or even why I'm even here.

     I have no idea why I'm on this Earth. I don't know what my purpose is or where I'm supposed to find it. And the only person I know that knows the answer WON'T GIVE ME ANY GUIDANCE ON IT! My purpose can't be to just keep going to a job I hate. Day. After Day. AFTER DAY. To hurt and be angry or melancholy all the dang time. To keep loving people that don't show that love back and keep me second-guessing where I stand with them.

     To even be able to say and believe that "You are Good."

     I don't understand why You made me the way you did! People are supposed to need connection with other people, and yet You made me to where I can't relate to people and struggle all the time with it. You give us all a purpose, but make mine almost impossible to find. Lead us to You so we can have fulfilling lives, but make my mind know the truth but my heart not believe it. Say it's wrong for us to be alone, but make me spend forever waiting on a partner that I'm not sure is even out there. Answer my prayers for other people, but ignore me when I ask for anything for or about myself. Make each and every one of us special, but make me to feel like the biggest loser in life. Is this some kind of a joke to You? Do I even matter to You? Do You even hear me or listen to what I'm yelling to You?

     I don't know how to get back to where I need to be. I don't understand how You want me to pray, or what the Bible is supposed to be telling me when I read it. I don't feel You in me anymore. There's just an empty spot there now that feels like the world is pushing down on top of it. I don't understand the joy that my brothers or sisters have or how to even start to feel it. My head tells me "Jesus, you idiot!", but my heart doesn't believe it. 

     When You get the time to read this, I would really like to connect with You so I can ask my questions and hopefully get some answers. 

Your Son,

Adam

     

Lane Drifting

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:6-7

When you're really worked up or upset about something, it can make it hard to focus on what's most important to you. You take your eyes off the goal and start worrying about other things.

I found this lesson out the hard way over the summer.

I took my eyes off of where I was trying to get to and let myself be distracted by things that were/are going on around me. And when I did, my car started to drift off the road.

Thankfully, Jesus reminds me to keep my eyes on the road and got me back in the right lane. 

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This summer has revealed several things to me spiritually:

- I need to remember 1 John 4:18 a lot more than I actually do (perfect love casts out fear).

- I need to remember to spend time in prayer with God asking for help when things start to upset me or start overwhelming me (Psalm 143).

- And I need to spend a whole lot more time worshipping, reading in scripture and remembering just who my God is.

He's bigger than the things that cause me pain. He's bigger than my worries. 

He's the King of my heart and needs to always be the mountain I run to.

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If you guys would, please pray for me to follow through with what I plan for my next post to be over. God's revealed a part of me to myself this summer that I don't normally talk about and don't like bringing up in conversation, and I feel like I need to finally be open about it so it can hopefully start to be fixed.

Pray that the bold spirit I prayed for all summer comes back to me.

And if you feel so inclined to, please feel free to message me about my next post. I'll appreciate being able to talk about it a little and would also like to have some accountability.

Grace, Love and Peace,

Larz

Ruth 1:16-17

If you ever asked me, I'd say it's the understatement of the century whenever I say that I'm blessed with three of the greatest friends I could ever ask for or want. I met these three almost a decade ago (holy crap, where has the time gone?!) at camp, and we've all stayed pretty close friends since then. Those friendships have grown a lot stronger through college and summers at Impact, and I couldn't be more glad for it.

I remember the first time I Phil and Nolan at the first week of camp at Mahoning Valley I ever went to (the summer between my 7th and 8th grade year). Waayyyy back in the day, Nolan came off as that one kid we all knew in school who was pretty cool but went overboard trying to be cool. Phil intimidated me a little bit when I first met him. He always had a letterman jacket or some kind of sports-related shirt, and always had at least one girl at camp that liked him and followed him around everywhere. I thought he was a jock until I got to know him a little better at the winter retreat the following winter. Phil and Nolan were always in different family groups though, so I never really interacted with either of them significantly until the summer after my freshman year.

At this point in time, Phil was dating this girl named Claire, and she was one of the funniest but most sarcastic, straight-forward people I'd ever met. I was in the same family group as them, and she and Mama Shellie (our family group "mother" that week) could go through witty remarks like champs. There wasn't a conversation that whole week where I didn't laugh at least once at something Claire said. After that summer, there wasn't a winter retreat or week of camp where we weren't in the same family group.

The next summer (after my sophomore year), Nolan was in our family group too, and it was a riot that whole week (Nolan turned out to be a pretty cool guy once you got to know him. Who would've thunk?). This week of summer was also special because Claire decided to be baptized one night that week. It was so cool seeing her make that decision and watching Phil get to be the one that took her confession of faith. It's been even cooler seeing just how much God has changed her since she made that decision six years ago.

Skip forward a couple summers, a couple winter retreats and a few graduations, and we're at my last week of camp as a student. It was a doubly bittersweet one, because not only was it the last time I got to come to camp as a camper, but it was also the first one where I didn't have my friends I'd made over the last three years there with me. I felt so out of place because the family I grew to love having every summer wasn't there anymore. But I was really happy Tuesday or Wednesday evening that week, because the three of them came to visit one of those evenings. I'm half ashamed to say it, but when they left and I was waving goodbye to them, I started crying because I missed them already.

The summer of 2013, Nolan invited me to come with him to this college-age bible study group called Impact he was involved with. I got a huge surprise the first time I came because it was Fall Creek's new college-age ministry, and all three of my friends were involved with it too! I'm so thankful for Nolan inviting me that Sunday evening, because being involved with Impact has strengthened my relationship with Christ and my relationship with my friends.

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If my friends are reading this, I know I've told you guys before I struggle a lot with being open about things and how I feel. It's not exactly how I wanted to be open with you, but I want to take this chance to tell you guys a few things that have been weighing on my heart for the last couple months.

I know I do a bad job of being open with you guys (I still promise, you'll get more than two-word answers out of me when I answer your questions one of these days!), but I love you so, so much. I don't tell you guys that nearly as much as I should, and I definitely do a horrible job of telling you in person.

If there's one way I can even try to sum up everything I want to tell you guys, Ruth 1:16-17 says it best:

"But Ruth said:

"Entreat me not to leave you,

Or to turn back from following after you;

For wherever you go, I will go;

And wherever you lodge, I will lodge;

Your people shall be my people,

and your God, my God.

Where you die, I will die,

and there I will be buried.

The Lord do so to me, and more also,

If anything but death parts you and me."

My heart always feels like it's going to explode when I get to spend time with you guys, and it feels like it's breaking when I don't get to talk to you or see you in awhile. I never want our friendship to end, because you three have become family to me. You guys mean the world to me, and I feel horrible so much because I never know how to tell you.

Phil, I'm so stinking proud of where you've gone since camp. You went into studying ministry, then computer work, then back to ministry, and now you're already a minister at a church! You set the bar for where I want my eventual marriage to be with how you take care of Claire and Natalie. You and Nolan are my role-models for what it looks like to be a real Follower of Christ. I'm so proud of you, friend!

Claire, you are possibly the best advice giver I could ever ask for. Even when it stings you still tell me what I need to hear, and I can't thank you enough for your God-focused guidance. You're hilarious most of the time, and you and Phil are doing parenthood really well. Natalie is lucky and blessed to have the God-loving, Jesus following parents she has, and I'm lucky and blessed to have her parents as a couple of my best friends!

Nolan, you've come a long way since camp too, and I'm proud of seeing where you're going! You're always willing to be a friend who will listen and one to talk to when I need somebody. I'm so happy for your new job at Wilkinson and for you and Katie's upcoming marriage, and I can't wait to see what God decides to do through both of you!

I know I try and make up for my lack of words with my actions, but I hope you guys know just how much you mean to me. Love you, my family!

Larz

“Friendship is the greatest of worldly goods. Certainly to me it is the chief happiness of life. If I had to give a piece of advice to a young man about a place to live, I think I should say, 'sacrifice almost everything to live where you can be near your friends.” ~ C.S. Lewis

Lion Cub Courage

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love 
and of a sound mind." 

~ 2 Timothy 1:7

Timid = lacking in self-assurance, courage, or bravery; easily alarmed; timorous; shy

I don't know how many times this has been the exact definition of me. If you asked me to describe myself in one word, "shy" is one of the first that comes to my mind. I've never been one to start conversations with people very often, or go out of my comfort zone to say hello to new people. I'm always just self-conscious and shy enough to keep me from building relationships with people.

I can remember one time a couple years ago where I had the chance to strengthen a friendship with someone that I've wanted to be better friends with for awhile. It was over Christmas break and a friend of mine had to work and couldn't make it to our bible study group. I had talked to her earlier that week and told her I'd try and get two or three people rounded up and come visit after Impact to cheer her up a little. Well, Impact finishes and everyone decides to go to Steak-N-Shake to hang out for a bit. I probably spent a good ten minutes fighting with myself trying to decide between my two options:

Do I go visit by myself (do something uncomfortable)?

or

Do I go with everyone else (do something comfortable)?

I'm sad to say my fear of doing something that makes me uncomfortable won out that evening. I did what made me feel comfortable and went with my other friends.

It feels like every time I get close to being courageous, I smack headfirst into some invisible wall that makes me hesitate just long enough for my fears or self-doubt to win.

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Now before I get off track too far, I want to go back to the title of my post today. If I try to describe my sense of courage to you guys, a Lion Cub is the closest visual representation I could give you.

If you've ever seen those Vines of Lion Cubs, you'll notice that they don't have that roar we associate with them. They have more of a little "squeak" (or something that sounds close to a hiccup depending on the Vine).

Every time I've tried to be brave and haven't, I feel like that's what my courage has done. This Lion Cub in me has turned towards that fear and squeaked as loud as it possibly can. It just hasn't been able to be louder than the fear yet.

If I've learned anything in the last couple weeks from 1 John 4:17-19, 2 Timothy 1:7, and studying the life of Elijah at Impact, it's this: Fear, Shyness and Timidity don't have a place in the heart of a Follower of Christ. Courage, Bravery and Love do.

I'm surrounded by friends who show that kind of love and bravery. If they can take on 10 different projects to minister to others, or leave home and the country to love others for three months, or even move somewhere completely new to minister at a new church, then what business have I got being afraid to say hi to someone new or doing something that makes me a little uncomfortable.


God doesn't give us a spirit of fearfulness.

Perfect love casts out fear.

It's time for this Lion Cub to face those fears (hopefully grow a cool looking mane) and roar.


Love all you guys, and I hope this helps any of you that have struggled with being afraid or shy.
Larz

Speaking of That Perfect Provision in College...

If there's one thing I like about staying up late on my nights off, it's that I have time to do just about whatever I want while I wait to get tired enough to fall asleep.

The only thing I don't like however, is that sometimes I can have "miniature panic attacks" about things that are going on in my life. In this particular instance, it was over my prayers asking God to make my heart bolder and to make me courageous. I had the same three or four thoughts just bombarding me constantly:


"I can't do this."

"I can't be brave."

"Brave isn't who I am."

"I can't be courageous."


Thankfully, the Holy Spirit shows up when you need it most. As I was sitting on my bed staring at the floor and tearing up in frustration with myself, everything in my mind just disappeared. The only thing I could think of were verses one and two of Psalm 143:


"Hear my prayer, O Lord,
Give ear to my supplications!
In Your faithfulness answer me,
And into Your righteousness." ~ (1-2)

"Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;
My heart within me is distressed." ~ (4)

"I spread out my hands to You;
My soul longs for You like a thirsty land.
Answer me speedily, O Lord;
My spirit fades!
Do not hide Your face from me,
Lest I be like those who go down into the pit.
Cause me me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning,
For in You I do trust;
Cause me to know the way in which I should walk,
For I lift my soul up to You." ~ (6-8)

"Revive me, O Lord, for Your name's sake!
For Your righteousness' sake bring my soul out of trouble.
In Your mercy cut off my enemies,
And destroy all those who afflict my soul;
For I am your servant." ~ (11-12)


There are two things that blew my mind about this after I thought about it again:

1. I almost never think of Scripture when something is going wrong, especially during a late-night "miniature panic attack." So I can't explain how I remembered this Psalm right then and there.

2. I remembered a Psalm that I can't recall where or when I heard it, at exactly the right time I needed it, and it was about exactly what I was going through.


And now after reading the rest of Psalm 143, I can see that God will answer exactly like it asks. If you cry out for help, He'll answer you.

In the middle of fighting my own mind, God provided exactly what I needed in exactly the way I needed Him to.

Perfect. Provision.

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The only prayer requests I've really got for you guys this time echoes my first post. If you'd be so kind, please pray for God to continue to embolden my heart and to keep working on transforming me into the follower of Christ I'm called to be.

My next blog post is going to be extremely personal to me, so if you'd all pray that I stay honest and open with it, that would be a huge blessing.

I know what my heart is calling out and asking Him for, and I know He'll answer it if I keep chasing Him.

Love all you guys!
Larz