Well, what a fantastic topic for the first post of 2018, right? Ordinarily I would have some kind of witty introduction or something, but I can't come up with anything this evening (I've literally sat staring at an empty blog page for 15 minutes trying to come up with something before typing this part out). I think the best way for me to write this tonight is that I'm going to have to let everything out as it comes to me.
I'm a huge Star Wars nerd, and after a good while of searching for some sort of quote about anger to go with my post, I think this one from Yoda sums up half of I'm feeling in my life right now the best. In the movies, Yoda explained to Anakin Skywalker that "Fear is the path to the Dark Side," and I've come to realize what that quote really means. When you fear something, it will lead you to get angry at that thing. From there, your anger will lead you to hate it. And when that hate finally boils over, you'll say or do something that you'll regret, which leads to suffering.
I have been angry about a lot of things for over a year now, and afraid of a lot of things too (that's a subject for another blog post though). And I don't mean just angry, I mean LIVID. I get to the point that some nights, I don't and won't pray before I go to sleep for the night because I don't want to talk to God.
I honestly feel like the overlying issue is that after all these things happened, I believe that God is not on my side, unless I'm on other people's side. I've watched several of my prayers for other people be answered in 2017 and the tail end of 2016; some the very next day after I asked God about it. But it seems like the second I bring up something about myself or my own life, God turns away and won't listen. The most recent prayer has been for job direction since the store I work at is being shut down at the end of the month, and that again feels like it's being ignored, leaving me uncertain about what job to take and where to go. The list of things that go unanswered just stretch back from there:
- Who I am
- What my purpose in life is
- What career I should pursue
- What my Strengths and Weaknesses are
- Understanding Scripture when I try to read it on my own
- Being unable to get into things that would give me more common ground with other people
- Being unable to make memories with people I want to make them with
- Being unable to move any closer to finding a partner
Praying about my job and career specifically bother me the most, because I get specific with it. I know God has spoken at least once before with a vision (technically a dream because I was asleep, but I still believe that it was), and I know that I don't know what to do or where to go because I don't know what I'm good at (or really bad at for that matter). Several of those prayers I've gotten to the point of saying "Give me a name of a place. Show me what job You want me to do. Show me where I can be of best use to You, and as soon as I get up I will go there." I don't know how to get any more specific or direct than that with a prayer for a job, but it's apparently not right or something.
Second on that list is when I ask about my strengths or talents. I will not claim that I know myself very well, nor do I know how to find out that information outside of asking God. So it's just a little disheartening when I go to the One that made me and ask to know what I'm good at so I can make use of it, and get more unanswered questions. The only thing I know for sure is that I have a servant's heart, which I assume is why I like helping people voluntarily (I've learned that through high school, two years of youth group, helping my friends Andrew and Jonathon with things for their former jobs, and helping people at work). Working a customer service job for the last three years has at least been good at solidifying that opinion for me. But having a servant's heart and being a helper can be applied to LITERALLY almost anything, so it doesn't help to narrow the field down any.
It honestly feels like most of the time that God is just letting me flounder around on my own with no clue what to do. It almost feels like I'm in high school again: not discouraged from doing or trying anything, but not encouraged to do or try anything either. No guidance. No direction. No. Nothing. And it's the most frustrating thing ever, because it seems like everyone else at least has some idea (or even just a sliver of an idea) of where to go with their lives, while I have no idea what to do and the One that does know won't give me any guidance.
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I think I'm about written out for the night, so I'm going to go ahead and end things here. It's getting difficult for me to pull my thoughts together, and I'm not nearly as angry or worked up as I was when I started writing. I've noticed over the last few posts that the only time I can ever openly put my thoughts and feelings into words is when I'm angry or worked up, so I hope that I've gotten out what needed to be out in the open while I was.
I think there'll be another post not too long after this one dealing with the first line of Yoda's quote. "Fear leads to Anger" definitely rings true for me, and since we're starting a theme about fear at church on Sundays, this is probably a good time to hit it as well. Please pray that I will be open and honest with that post as I've tried to be with this one, and that God will make some sense out of what I have been feeling over the last year and haven't been expressing.
Grace, Love and Peace,
Larz
