It's been a while since I've been on here, hasn't it guys.
I've actually sat down and tried to write a post several different times in the last four or five months, but haven't been able to make anything make sense. I was supposed to have a talk with a good friend of mine about some things that have been bothering me about a month ago, but for a few different reasons that plan fell through. And none of the problems have gotten any better with time.
I've come to realize over time that some of my problems keep growing because of a connection problem (or lack of connection). I don't have a support system like a lot of other people have both because I don't have many friends and because I can't stand being vulnerable about things. Opening up about anything becomes this tug-of-war between "I need to talk to someone about this" and "Why bother? No one listens/will understand/cares about it/you hate being open about things. "I know I need to open up to some people about my life, but I can't bring myself to do it. On top of that, I'm not an initiator with conversations so it's even more difficult than it needs to be to talk about things that are bothering me.
So since I can't ever bring myself to start these conversations that need to happen, I'm asking the few friends and others I want to trust with the problems I'm facing in my life (if they're reading this) to meet me halfway and help me with this. This post is my attempt at coming to you saying "I'm broken. I'm hurting. I need to talk about this and I need your help. I'm tired of being angry or hurt all the time and I want change."
The best way I could write out what I'm feeling is in the form of a letter, so I'm calling this my "Letter to God." Hopefully it makes sense of most of the things I've been feeling for several months now.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear God,
Saying "it's been a rough few months" would be the greatest understatement I could make.
My faith and my relationship with You feels like its broken through the proverbial rock bottom of the hole. I feel like (You) the same God that I've LITERALLY WATCHED answer my prayers when I've prayed about things for other people have abandoned me and refuse to answer or offer any insight on prayers that I pray concerning myself. It feels like You're not on my side and You've abandoned me. And that hurts a lot.
It hurts and makes me so angry that You can't (or won't) answer my questions about a partner, what my career should be, or even why I'm even here.
I have no idea why I'm on this Earth. I don't know what my purpose is or where I'm supposed to find it. And the only person I know that knows the answer WON'T GIVE ME ANY GUIDANCE ON IT! My purpose can't be to just keep going to a job I hate. Day. After Day. AFTER DAY. To hurt and be angry or melancholy all the dang time. To keep loving people that don't show that love back and keep me second-guessing where I stand with them.
To even be able to say and believe that "You are Good."
I don't understand why You made me the way you did! People are supposed to need connection with other people, and yet You made me to where I can't relate to people and struggle all the time with it. You give us all a purpose, but make mine almost impossible to find. Lead us to You so we can have fulfilling lives, but make my mind know the truth but my heart not believe it. Say it's wrong for us to be alone, but make me spend forever waiting on a partner that I'm not sure is even out there. Answer my prayers for other people, but ignore me when I ask for anything for or about myself. Make each and every one of us special, but make me to feel like the biggest loser in life. Is this some kind of a joke to You? Do I even matter to You? Do You even hear me or listen to what I'm yelling to You?
I don't know how to get back to where I need to be. I don't understand how You want me to pray, or what the Bible is supposed to be telling me when I read it. I don't feel You in me anymore. There's just an empty spot there now that feels like the world is pushing down on top of it. I don't understand the joy that my brothers or sisters have or how to even start to feel it. My head tells me "Jesus, you idiot!", but my heart doesn't believe it.
When You get the time to read this, I would really like to connect with You so I can ask my questions and hopefully get some answers.
Your Son,
Adam
